Illusions

Why would a girl put on cosmetics? To make themselves "beautiful" in others eyes... why would a girl prefer a slimmer, softer body? Because that it what most guys were looking for a mate? It makes me laugh to think how human being's mentally depreciated through the years...

How come human's are superior to animals when their actions tends to differ...

Only human prefer to be weak and soft... animals prefer a stronger mate to help them survive the wilderness... because that is the rule of nature... to survive, one must be tough... why would anyone starved themselves to death when in the wilderness, they would kill just for a little food... food that would give them energy, energy to keep them alive... when chaos come, human beings will be the first to be eliminated because they prefer to be weak...

This is the influence of commercialization.

Diamond is the most expensive gemstone... It's beauty is spectacular and incomparable... But did you know why?
Because diamonds are the hardest stone... Yes, a stone that faced and survived millions of years of harsh changes in the environment... and then, before it became a beautiful jewelry, it survive another months of harsh heat and cold from mining to polishing...

Diamonds are fossils... a silent witness of the changes in the earth... Diamonds are tough, survivor... indeed a beauty worth a million...

I was blessed by a natural tan complexion but when I was younger, my dark skin used to frustrates me because it seems that the standard of beauty in most asian country is having a fair, white skin.

I was blessed by a natural big-doe eyes and I used to hate it because smaller eyes seems to attract more attention.

I was blessed by a natural slim body but before, I used to be in strict diet because I was getting "fat" or so I thought...

I used to follow the standard "commercialized" version of beauty and bought a lot of products to achieve that "beauty"... I've missed a lot of simple pleasure in life like eating to my heart's content or playing under the sun just to maintain the said "beauty" but guess what? I was never happy..

When someone complimented me, I was happy for a moment but I still know deep inside that it is not me... I put a lot of effort to be beautiful but still I know it is not the true me.

Then I realized the true essence of beauty is not something naked eyes could see... I learn to accept who I am and what I have... To be content and be an inspiration to others by sharing my believes and principles... By speaking my mind and helping other find their inner voice too...

Beauty is when you know who you are and being proud of it.

It's Over...(Haru Daite Ita fanfiction)

... heheheheh, i'm into fanfiction now about Iwaki and Katou my two favorite character of Youka Nitta-sensei's Haru Wo Daite Ita(embracing love). It is originally a manga that tells the story of two most popular AV(Adult Video-*porn for that matter)actors as they discover their own capabilities and limitation as they face the struggles bestowed upon them and discover their own dreams and sexuality as they fall for each other in the process...
...yep! your right this is all about love... not just love but Boys Love! they call it Yaoi(with lots of sex) or Shonen-ai(lighter that yaoi) in japanese!!!
... anyway without any further ado, this is now my first harudaki fanfic...
...Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Haru no Daite ita manga. This fan fiction is inspird by Youka Nitta’s Embracing Love (Haru wo Daite Ita). All the characters mentioned is by all right belong to it’s owner, Nitta -sensei


“It’s over…”
“W-what are you saying…”, his face grew pale as he tried to find his voice to ask that question. He cannot understand why the important person in his life would say such a stupid word as “it’s over” . he cannot remember anything he did wrong to make him change his mind.
“I’m saying that I want to end this… let’s break up…” black eyes staring as the golden eyes lost it light. “I’m tired of this…of you…” before he could finish his word, he suddenly was tug and caught in the steel arms of his lover.
“NO!!!! NO! NO! you can’t leave me! Never… you heard me??? NEVER!!!”, his voice shows his rage as he squeeze his lover in his tight embrace as if it would disappear in any second once he let go. His tears running like rivers.



GOOD! CUT!!!



“That’s it for today…good work people…”
Pretty soon the sight of busy people running back and forth as artist and crew started to pack their own things.
“I’m impressed Katou…your acting skills are getting better and better as the time passed… ”, Iwaki held his lover still embracing him tightly. Suddenly he felt him shudder. “Katou…? hey… it’s over - ”
“NO!! NO!! Please don’t Iwaki-san…Iwaki-san”, Katou cries harder as he held Iwaki tighter.
Suddenly realizing of what’s happening Iwaki held Katou’s shoulder and pulls away forcing him to face him as he shook him lightly to get him into his senses. Looking firmly at his lover, he saw the fear and shock on those golden eyes he adores… “Katou…get out of it already… the scene is over…”
Coming back to reality Katou cupped Iwaki’s face in his hand making sure if it was really his Iwaki-san… “Iwaki… never leave me… won’t you?”, uncertainty was still in his voice.
Iwaki felt Katou’s hand shaking, pull him closer as he also lean to reach for those pale and shaking lips… “Of course I won’t! Baka…”, he answered smiling sheepishly after a breath-taking kiss.

if you've only give me...

a little oF yOur aTtenTiOn...

a paRt of Your tIme...

eVEn jUSt a FRacTIon of secOnds...

tHen yOu'll seE...

and tHEn yOu wiLL seE..

iN mY eYEs yoU coULd sEe..

a SEcreT...

mY hEArt's SecREt...

bUt i GUesS.. that wIll nEver happeN... You Will never Ever sEE...You wiLL nEveR evER knOW..

my hEart's sEcrEt... a seCret that was mEant FOr yOU...

mahalin mo pa kaya akoh kung...

mahalin mo pa kaya akoh kung malalaman mo na....

madamot akoh... kasi gusto ko... akin lang ang atensyon moh...

pero pag nasa akin na ang atensyon moh... nahihiya naman ako sa'yo...

selosa akoh...

kasi gusto ko ako lang ang pinakikinggan mo...

gusto ko na pag nagsasalita ko nakatingin ka sa'kin...

at sa'kin lang

gusto kong nakikita ang reaksyon mo...

ang ekspresyon ng mukha mo... ang galaw ng mata mo...

ang bawat pag-galaw ng labi moh...

gusto kong makita kang tumawa...

mainis, mapikon, mabad-trip... malito...

gusto kitang tinitingnan kasi

pinahahalagahan ko ang bawat ekspresyong nakikita ko sa'yo...

kaya lang pag andyan ka na... nahihiya na ako...

nahihiya akong magkwento, nahihiya akong tumingin...

kaya tuloy tumatahimik na lang akoh...

possesive akoh kasi gusto ko akin ka lang...

kasi gusto kong andito lang lagi sa tabi moh...

gusto ko paglingon mo... ako ang makikita mo...

at ako lang...

kaya gusto ko... dito lang ako... malapit sa'yo...

pero ang totoo n'yan

duwag akoh...

takot ako sa ipis, sa daga... sa dilim, sa multo...

sa nakaraan at sa bukas...

takot akong harapin ang mga bagay na nangyari na

at sa mga bagay na mangyayari pa lang...

takot akong mahalin ka kasi iba naman ang mahal moh...

takot akong makasama ka ng matagal kasi...

takot akong mahulog pa ang loob ko sa'yo...

kasi iba ang mahal mo... at alam ko yun...

kaya nga natatakot ako na baka hindi ko matutunang palayain ang puso ko sa'yo...

takot akong sumugal kasi hindi ko alam kung panalo ba ako o talo...

pero ang pinaka-kinatatakutan ko sa lahat....

ang tuluyang mawala ka sa buhay ko...

marami pa sana akong gustong sabihin sa'yo...

nakikinig ka ba??

kung matatagalan mong tumingin sa mga mata ko...

sasabihin ko sa'yo ang nasa loob koh...

mamahalin moh pa kaya akoh???

kung malalaman mo na....

kOnTi lAng nAmaN eh...

bakit sya na naman??? bakit kasi palaging sya na lang ang nakikita mo huh??

bakit kasi palaging sya na lang ang pinapansin moh??? bakit palaging kung hindi sya… sila??

bakit hindi ako?? hindi ba pwedeng ako naman??

pansinin mo naman akoh kahit minsan lang…

yung atensyon na akin lang…

nakikinig naman ako sa’yo ah…?

palagi kitang pinapansin… inaalala…

palagi naman akong handang makinig sa’yo, ibigay ang atensyon ko???

kahit anong sabihin moh… kahit minsan hindi na ko maka-relate… kahit nakakaantok na… kahit wala ng kakwenta-kwenta… kahit lahat sila hindi na nakikinig…

andun pa rin akoh… nakikinig ng maigi sa’yo diba?? nag-re-react kahit…

ahh.. at ohh… lang… tumatawa kahit corny ang jokes mo… ngumingiti kapag ningingitian moh… nag-susugest…nag-che-cheer sa’yo…

kahit pa ang pinag-che-cheer ko ay yung mismong kaagaw ko sa puso’t atensyon moh…

ayos lang kahit masakit na… ang gusto ko lang naman ay konting atensyon mo… konting oras n kasama ka… yung akin lang talaga…

kasi nagseselos ako…

nagseselos ako sa kanya…

sa kanila…

kahit pa kaibigan din natin sila… kasi pati sila kaagaw ko sa atensyon mo…

hindi ko na nga hinihingi ang puso mo… hindi ko rin naman gustong solohin ang oras mo… konti lang ang hinihiling ko…

konting oras…

konting atensyon…

konting concern…

konting space lang ng puso mo

yung maramdaman ko lang kahit pano…kahit konti na may halaga rin ako sa’yo…

kahit kaibigan lang… masaya na ako…

kasi ang gusto ko ay yung makita kang masaya…

tumatawa… ngumingiti…

kahit pa ang Sya ang dahilan at hindi Ako… kaya nga kita tinutulungan… che-nicheer-up… pinapayuhan…

kasi alam ko naman na ang tanging makapagpapaligaya sa’yo… makapag-papangiti sa’yo…makapag-papatawa sa’yo at makabubuo ng araw mo ay SYA…

hindi ko kayang ibigay yun sa’yo… sya lang…

hindi ako… kundi sya…

Sya na KAIBIGAN KO…

whO aM i?

sometimes i think i am not who i am...

sometimes i think i don't know myself...

i am just being the person i'm supposed to be... but that's not me...

not the real me..

i am just being the person i want them to see...

the happy go lucky...

the easy-going and cool...

the nice and sweet...

the prim and proper...

the strong ... the fighter...

the tough girl...

i want them to see that...

that person is me...

but the truth is she's not me...

infact i don't know her... i concentrated in creating a person i want the world to see as me... and i'm proud of my creation...but now...

now i don't know who i am...

the real me...

i feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere...

and i can see nothing but darkness... i keep on searching... and i found no one... nothing but darkness... surrounding me... i cry for help... but no one hear me... I in fact could hear my own voice...

i feel so empty... why can't anyone understands me... why can't they hear me... why can't they see me...

they are my friends... my family... but they do not know me...

hahahah.... ahh i forgot to say... i don't even know myself as well... hahaha...

could anyone hear me...

could anyone see me...

could anyone understands me...

could anyone show me the real me??

does anyone here knows me!!!